The Love of a Stubborn Pragmatist

All things considered, life has been good to me. My needs are being met, my requests are being granted, my wants… Well, my wants and dreams are another story.

People who know me well see me as an idealist. For me, I am an idealist and a dreamer. I dream of a good life, for me and my kid. Just what is a good life, pray tell? Good is such a minimalist adjective.

To elaborate, a good life for me means having shelter, having our basic needs met, and occasionally indulge in a few luxuries, and most important having the means to sustain myself and my daughter. Right now, I worry about the last part. But a good life for me is that plus love, happiness and contentment.

Take note that I said a good life, not a better life. This means that despite my worrying regarding the last part, I am content with what we have right now. We have shelter. We have food. And most importantly, we have family. And in this family, deep in my heart, I believe we love each other.

Love is such a profound word. In my life, I’ve loved only once. No question about it. I want to say, I’ve loved twice, but right now, my hypothalamus and my cerebrum are at odds with each other. Hypothalamus says, “It was love!” Ms. Cerebrum, on the other hand insists it was a form of rebellion on my part (let’s not delve deeper into it least we have to involve my id, ego and superego, which, will complicate matters further and make this story longer). So I say, I’ve loved only once.

I only want simple things in life. As simple as a life full of love. I love my daughter. But love alone will not give her something to eat. It can’t send her to school. It can’t help her fulfill her own dreams. Someday, I hope to see her reach the pinnacle of her life, saying that she is what she had become because of her mom (read: my love and support to her).

But I have my fears. I fear the unknown. And the future is unknown to me. I fear my daughter will tell the whole word I had been a lousy mom. I fear she will castigate me for not giving what is due her. All I can offer her is love, and love is not enough to survive in this big, bad world.

I dream of a good and happy life with my daughter. I want to keep her, be a mom to her, be a friend she can lean on, see her grow up into a beautiful lady, be proud of her and her accomplishments, but most of all, I just want to love her and spend time with her.

But can love overcome my fears? Or is letting her go a way to show that I truly love her? It is after all for her best interest. She will be with someone I know, someone who can give her a good life, send her to the best schools, develop her potential by financially supporting her, someone who has more than love to offer. Someone who lives in the land of milk and honey.

Will I be doing the right thing by sending her to a foster parent? Will she have a good life there? Will she be well-taken cared of, better than I could? Will she be brought up in the right way? Will she be happy? Will she grow up to be a person who her parents will be proud of?

I just have so many questions. And I don’t have any answers. No assurances, no security, no guarantees, just those questions.

My mom says, God will make things right for me and for my daughter. That whatever I will decide, He, the all-knowing, omnipotent, merciful Father will make things right.

I only hope to arrive at a decision before it’s too late for everyone concerned.

But I am also a stubborn pragmatist.

I am afraid of what I will decide because this matter does not only involve me but someone I love so much. I am afraid to make another mistake. I am afraid of what she will become because of what I had done.

I am afraid of myself. For me, and for Yessa.

Will I be able to conquer my fears and live a good life?

Will love really conquer all?

I wish I have a crystal ball where I can see the future. But I only have my spectacles, and time, in my hands. I have Yessa for now, too, and I plan to savor each and every moment I spend with her. Because of her, life has been good.

A Birthday Letter

“borrowed” lines here and there because it pretty much describes how i feel (credit goes to rubber-sol).

Dear Yessa,

These days that I see you playing across the room from me, the moment is so surreal and beautiful. There you are, my beautiful baby playing, laughing, clapping, dancing… There you are busy forming your own little world separate from me, and in moments like this, I find myself selfishly interrupting you as if to remind you that yes, Nanay is here with you.

One year ago today, I haven’t been expecting you but once I learned about your teeny-weeny existence, I have loved you and cherished you. For you and because of you, I took good care of my body, watched what I ate, did my preggy workouts with enthusiasm, and even when I was working I had you in my mind always. While you were still inside my tummy I talked to you, sung to you, read to you, even if you can’t see me I know you can hear me. You are my little precious and I love you so much.

The knowledge that you are with me and in me made me see life in a different light. I savored those moments when I feel all the movements you were making inside my womb—that first flutter, that first strong kick, and then those very vigorous movements where I imagine you were hitting some tennis balls on a wall. I have been asking you to help me when it is time for you to come out and join me in this world, and you did. After three tries, you were out and said hi with a lusty cry!

From the very first moment when they placed your warm body onto mine to the most recent moment today when you nuzzled your sleepy head against my chest, I realized how truly blessed I am to experience your love.

Your innocent love is so genuine and raw, and you express it in ways that only your mama can appreciate. I recognize your love for me when I see your eyes light up at the simple sight of me entering a room. I feel the love in your laughter and hums of happiness, and I recognize your love for me when you find comfort in my arms.

Your future is full of hope and brimming with endless possibilities. When I think about the future, I wonder what kind of person you will be. Will you be shy and determined? Or will you be funny and rambunctious? Or will you be a beautiful combination of both? Time will only tell, but for now I am content knowing that you are growing your own wings, preparing yourself for an amazing journey. I await the day that you’re ready to fly on your own with a bittersweet mixture of emotion. Regardless of the path you take, always remember that I will be here for you when you need to retreat home.

Today I revel in the fact that I am your mama, your everything. Each moment with you is a gift of future memories waiting to be honored. I hope never to forget what it feels like to have you fall asleep in my arms, your heavy breathing a sign of your complete surrender to slumber. I hope never to forget the happiness I feel when I pluck you from your crib each morning, your body sleepy and warm, your face happy to greet the day.

Over the years our relationship will grow and change, and yes, there will be times when you will want your distance from me. And in those times I will remember, I will cherish these moments of today. These moments when I am your everything.

Thank you, Yeng. Thank you for trusting me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for letting me be your mama. [Thank you Lord for giving me Yessa.]
Happy 1st Birthday!

Love you forever,
Nanay

Kodak Moment

Early this morning, I was lying on the bed, feeding my baby her morning squeeze (the booby juice, if you like). She’s up and awake now but she just won’t let go of her morning ritual.

She’d like to have her version of coffee before getting up and climbing down the bed and out the bedroom door, thank you.

Recently, she’s learning how to open the door on her own, and some mornings I woke up to see her already standing by the door, turning the knob, and calling for me to let her out.

(As yet, she still can’t imitate the complex action of turning and pulling successively; hence, she calls out to me. Glad to know I’m still needed by the little imp. ;P )

This morning, she’s looking at me with her big brown eyes while doing her thing with my boob. She suddenly stopped in mid-suck, gazed lovingly into my eyes, and said: “Mama”.

I Love This Kid.

Hello World Wide Web!

The cliche goes: “And when we are forgotten, we cease to exist.” and “If you don’t write things down, you’ll forget them”.

But why do I write?

I write to commune with the world.

I write because it is a prized liberty.

I write for Yessa. She fills my days with smiles and laughter.

She is the love of my life.

And for now, I am her memory so that she will never forget.