All things considered, life has been good to me. My needs are being met, my requests are being granted, my wants… Well, my wants and dreams are another story.
People who know me well see me as an idealist. For me, I am an idealist and a dreamer. I dream of a good life, for me and my kid. Just what is a good life, pray tell? Good is such a minimalist adjective.
To elaborate, a good life for me means having shelter, having our basic needs met, and occasionally indulge in a few luxuries, and most important having the means to sustain myself and my daughter. Right now, I worry about the last part. But a good life for me is that plus love, happiness and contentment.
Take note that I said a good life, not a better life. This means that despite my worrying regarding the last part, I am content with what we have right now. We have shelter. We have food. And most importantly, we have family. And in this family, deep in my heart, I believe we love each other.
Love is such a profound word. In my life, I’ve loved only once. No question about it. I want to say, I’ve loved twice, but right now, my hypothalamus and my cerebrum are at odds with each other. Hypothalamus says, “It was love!” Ms. Cerebrum, on the other hand insists it was a form of rebellion on my part (let’s not delve deeper into it least we have to involve my id, ego and superego, which, will complicate matters further and make this story longer). So I say, I’ve loved only once.
I only want simple things in life. As simple as a life full of love. I love my daughter. But love alone will not give her something to eat. It can’t send her to school. It can’t help her fulfill her own dreams. Someday, I hope to see her reach the pinnacle of her life, saying that she is what she had become because of her mom (read: my love and support to her).
But I have my fears. I fear the unknown. And the future is unknown to me. I fear my daughter will tell the whole word I had been a lousy mom. I fear she will castigate me for not giving what is due her. All I can offer her is love, and love is not enough to survive in this big, bad world.
I dream of a good and happy life with my daughter. I want to keep her, be a mom to her, be a friend she can lean on, see her grow up into a beautiful lady, be proud of her and her accomplishments, but most of all, I just want to love her and spend time with her.
But can love overcome my fears? Or is letting her go a way to show that I truly love her? It is after all for her best interest. She will be with someone I know, someone who can give her a good life, send her to the best schools, develop her potential by financially supporting her, someone who has more than love to offer. Someone who lives in the land of milk and honey.
Will I be doing the right thing by sending her to a foster parent? Will she have a good life there? Will she be well-taken cared of, better than I could? Will she be brought up in the right way? Will she be happy? Will she grow up to be a person who her parents will be proud of?
I just have so many questions. And I don’t have any answers. No assurances, no security, no guarantees, just those questions.
My mom says, God will make things right for me and for my daughter. That whatever I will decide, He, the all-knowing, omnipotent, merciful Father will make things right.
I only hope to arrive at a decision before it’s too late for everyone concerned.
But I am also a stubborn pragmatist.
I am afraid of what I will decide because this matter does not only involve me but someone I love so much. I am afraid to make another mistake. I am afraid of what she will become because of what I had done.
I am afraid of myself. For me, and for Yessa.
Will I be able to conquer my fears and live a good life?
Will love really conquer all?
I wish I have a crystal ball where I can see the future. But I only have my spectacles, and time, in my hands. I have Yessa for now, too, and I plan to savor each and every moment I spend with her. Because of her, life has been good.
