A Birthday Letter

“borrowed” lines here and there because it pretty much describes how i feel (credit goes to rubber-sol).

Dear Yessa,

These days that I see you playing across the room from me, the moment is so surreal and beautiful. There you are, my beautiful baby playing, laughing, clapping, dancing… There you are busy forming your own little world separate from me, and in moments like this, I find myself selfishly interrupting you as if to remind you that yes, Nanay is here with you.

One year ago today, I haven’t been expecting you but once I learned about your teeny-weeny existence, I have loved you and cherished you. For you and because of you, I took good care of my body, watched what I ate, did my preggy workouts with enthusiasm, and even when I was working I had you in my mind always. While you were still inside my tummy I talked to you, sung to you, read to you, even if you can’t see me I know you can hear me. You are my little precious and I love you so much.

The knowledge that you are with me and in me made me see life in a different light. I savored those moments when I feel all the movements you were making inside my womb—that first flutter, that first strong kick, and then those very vigorous movements where I imagine you were hitting some tennis balls on a wall. I have been asking you to help me when it is time for you to come out and join me in this world, and you did. After three tries, you were out and said hi with a lusty cry!

From the very first moment when they placed your warm body onto mine to the most recent moment today when you nuzzled your sleepy head against my chest, I realized how truly blessed I am to experience your love.

Your innocent love is so genuine and raw, and you express it in ways that only your mama can appreciate. I recognize your love for me when I see your eyes light up at the simple sight of me entering a room. I feel the love in your laughter and hums of happiness, and I recognize your love for me when you find comfort in my arms.

Your future is full of hope and brimming with endless possibilities. When I think about the future, I wonder what kind of person you will be. Will you be shy and determined? Or will you be funny and rambunctious? Or will you be a beautiful combination of both? Time will only tell, but for now I am content knowing that you are growing your own wings, preparing yourself for an amazing journey. I await the day that you’re ready to fly on your own with a bittersweet mixture of emotion. Regardless of the path you take, always remember that I will be here for you when you need to retreat home.

Today I revel in the fact that I am your mama, your everything. Each moment with you is a gift of future memories waiting to be honored. I hope never to forget what it feels like to have you fall asleep in my arms, your heavy breathing a sign of your complete surrender to slumber. I hope never to forget the happiness I feel when I pluck you from your crib each morning, your body sleepy and warm, your face happy to greet the day.

Over the years our relationship will grow and change, and yes, there will be times when you will want your distance from me. And in those times I will remember, I will cherish these moments of today. These moments when I am your everything.

Thank you, Yeng. Thank you for trusting me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for letting me be your mama. [Thank you Lord for giving me Yessa.]
Happy 1st Birthday!

Love you forever,
Nanay